MOSES FOR DINNER

Pilot Episode: “Is It on Sale?”

Single-camera sitcom — approximately 22 minutes

I am on a limited budget. I tried to go kosher, hoping to add some actual meat to my menu—it’s been vegetarian for the past week. I came home after a $23 shopping trip.

I love to cook and have cooked professionally in the past.

This was the creativity that crept out of that shopping trip today.

COLD OPEN

INT. KRISTOPHER’S KITCHEN — MORNING

A kitchen belonging to a man who cooks enthusiastically but organizes according to a system known only to God.

KRISTOPHER stands at the open refrigerator.

MOSES sits at the kitchen table, studying a grocery flyer with the severity of a man reviewing military intelligence.

KRISTOPHER
Okay. What do you want for dinner?

MOSES
Something permissible.

KRISTOPHER
Pizza.

MOSES
That isn't a food group.

Kristopher slowly closes the refrigerator.

KRISTOPHER
Then your dietary system is already fundamentally flawed.

MOSES
You cannot survive entirely on pizza.

KRISTOPHER
I've conducted extensive longitudinal research.

MOSES
On yourself?

KRISTOPHER
Forty years.

Moses returns to the flyer.

MOSES
We have twenty-three dollars until Tuesday.

KRISTOPHER
Twenty-seven.

MOSES
You bought cigarettes.

KRISTOPHER
Twenty-three.

Beat.

KRISTOPHER
Seafood pasta.

Moses looks up.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
You haven't heard the recipe.

MOSES
Does the seafood have fins and scales?

KRISTOPHER
It has garlic butter.

MOSES
That wasn't the question.

KRISTOPHER
It should've been.

Kristopher pulls a package from the freezer.

KRISTOPHER
Mussels. Scallops. Garlic. Butter. Fettuccine.

Moses stares at the package as though Kristopher has produced a severed human foot.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
Have you ever had a scallop?

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
Then how the fuck do you know?

MOSES
Because God said—

KRISTOPHER
Did God have one?

Moses freezes.

MOSES
What?

KRISTOPHER
Did God ever actually eat a scallop?

MOSES
I don't think God—

KRISTOPHER
Then we're working from theory.

Moses looks directly into camera.

CUT TO TITLE:

MOSES FOR DINNER

ACT ONE

INT. KITCHEN — LATER

Kristopher has coffee.

Moses has somehow produced a notebook.

At the top:

FOOD — PERMITTED / PROHIBITED

MOSES
We need rules.

KRISTOPHER
We have rules. Twenty-three dollars.

MOSES
Dietary rules.

KRISTOPHER
Fine. No pork.

Moses writes.

KRISTOPHER
I can do that.

MOSES
Shellfish.

Kristopher stops drinking.

KRISTOPHER
Don't push your luck.

MOSES
Shellfish.

KRISTOPHER
I gave you bacon.

MOSES
You didn't give me bacon.

KRISTOPHER
I surrendered bacon.

MOSES
You ate it yesterday.

KRISTOPHER
Which makes the sacrifice considerably more immediate.

Moses writes SHELLFISH — NO.

Kristopher reaches over and crosses out NO.

Moses rewrites it.

Kristopher crosses it out.

Moses rewrites.

KRISTOPHER
Fine. Vegetarian.

MOSES
Excellent.

KRISTOPHER
Pizza.

Moses drops the pencil.

EXT. STREET — DAY

Kristopher and Moses walk toward the market.

Moses carries two reusable shopping bags.

Kristopher carries none.

MOSES
Why am I carrying the bags?

KRISTOPHER
You brought forty years of dietary restrictions into my house. You can carry the consequences.

MOSES
Thousands.

KRISTOPHER
What?

MOSES
Thousands of years.

KRISTOPHER
That's worse.

INT. CHINESE SUPERMARKET — PRODUCE SECTION — DAY

Kristopher pushes the cart.

Moses has the flyer and calculator.

KRISTOPHER
Bok choy.

MOSES
How much?

Kristopher checks.

KRISTOPHER
Two ninety-nine.

MOSES
Good.

Into cart.

KRISTOPHER
Mushrooms.

MOSES
How much?

KRISTOPHER
Four forty-nine.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
They're mushrooms.

MOSES
They're four forty-nine.

KRISTOPHER
You crossed the Red Sea and you're defeated by mushrooms?

MOSES
The Red Sea was free.

A WOMAN, late 40s/early 50s, elegant and amused, overhears.

She examines the bok choy.

WOMAN
You're going to want ginger with that.

Kristopher turns immediately.

KRISTOPHER
Really?

WOMAN
If you're doing noodles.

KRISTOPHER
I am.

Moses glances up.

WOMAN
Fresh ginger. Garlic. Sesame oil.

KRISTOPHER
See, I put the garlic in first.

WOMAN
No. Ginger first.

Kristopher is genuinely fascinated.

KRISTOPHER
Why?

She smiles.

WOMAN
I'll show you.

Moses looks at Kristopher.

Then her.

Then Kristopher.

She moves closer to Kristopher.

WOMAN
You cook often?

KRISTOPHER
All the time.

WOMAN
For your wife?

KRISTOPHER
No wife.

Her smile changes.

Moses sees it instantly.

Kristopher does not.

KRISTOPHER
Okay, so how much ginger?

Moses looks directly into camera.

INT. CHINESE SUPERMARKET — MOMENTS LATER

The woman is still talking to Kristopher.

Moses now stands ten feet away holding bok choy and an expression of biblical exhaustion.

WOMAN
You could come over sometime and I could show you.

KRISTOPHER
Oh, absolutely.

Moses' head snaps around.

KRISTOPHER
Because I've never been able to get the sauce right.

She laughs far more than the sentence warrants.

Moses approaches.

MOSES
We cannot afford another mouth to feed.

KRISTOPHER
I'm not inviting anybody to dinner.

Moses looks at the woman.

MOSES
Apparently she hasn't been informed.

KRISTOPHER
Moses.

MOSES
Kristopher.

WOMAN
Moses?

KRISTOPHER
Long story.

MOSES
Several books.

INT. SUPERMARKET — SAUCE AISLE

The woman has left.

Kristopher compares soy sauces.

Moses is simmering.

MOSES
She was flirting with you.

KRISTOPHER
No, she wasn't.

MOSES
She invited you to her home.

KRISTOPHER
To show me the recipe.

MOSES
She touched your arm six times.

KRISTOPHER
She's expressive.

MOSES
She gave you her telephone number.

Kristopher holds up the paper.

KRISTOPHER
For the recipe.

Beat.

MOSES
The recipe has a telephone?

Kristopher considers this.

KRISTOPHER
You're jealous.

Moses is scandalized.

MOSES
I am celibate.

KRISTOPHER
Those aren't opposites.

Moses opens his mouth.

Nothing.

Kristopher puts the cheap soy sauce in the cart.

KRISTOPHER
And that's episodic regret number one.

INT. SUPERMARKET — MEAT/SEAFOOD SECTION

Kristopher stops.

His face lights up.

KRISTOPHER
Ohhh.

Moses knows immediately.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
You haven't even looked.

MOSES
I recognize the sound.

Kristopher points.

KRISTOPHER
Frutti di mare.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
It's on sale.

Moses looks.

This creates a genuine crisis.

KRISTOPHER
Ah-ha.

MOSES
No.

KRISTOPHER
You hesitated.

MOSES
I did not.

KRISTOPHER
Moses, you looked at God, you looked at the price, and for approximately two seconds God was losing.

MOSES
Keep walking.

KRISTOPHER
Six ninety-nine!

MOSES
Walk.

KRISTOPHER
Mussels!

MOSES
Kristopher.

KRISTOPHER
Scallops!

MOSES
KRISTOPHER.

KRISTOPHER
Fine!

He walks away.

Then returns.

Takes a photo of the sale sign.

KRISTOPHER
For later.

ACT TWO

INT. CHECKOUT — DAY

Groceries move across the belt.

Bok choy. Cabbage. Ginger. Green onions. Tofu. Soy sauce.

The cashier scans.

CASHIER
Twenty-seven forty-three.

Moses slowly turns toward Kristopher.

MOSES
Twenty-three.

KRISTOPHER
Put the tofu back.

MOSES
We need protein.

KRISTOPHER
Put the ginger back.

MOSES
Your girlfriend said we need ginger.

KRISTOPHER
She's not my girlfriend.

MOSES
Then why are we financially supporting her recipe?

The cashier waits.

KRISTOPHER
Take off the mushrooms.

MOSES
We didn't buy mushrooms.

KRISTOPHER
See? We're already saving.

Moses pinches the bridge of his nose.

INT. KITCHEN — LATE AFTERNOON

Groceries everywhere.

Kristopher places a large pot of water on the stove.

Moses inspects the cookware.

MOSES
What was cooked in this?

KRISTOPHER
Food.

MOSES
What kind?

KRISTOPHER
Historically?

Moses closes his eyes.

KRISTOPHER
Because that pot has seen things.

MOSES
We need separate cookware.

KRISTOPHER
We have one frying pan.

MOSES
One?

KRISTOPHER
The other one became structurally theoretical.

Moses stares.

KRISTOPHER
It warped.

MOSES
Then how are we supposed to—

KRISTOPHER
Welcome to poverty, Moses.

That lands differently.

Moses looks around the kitchen.

The comedy quiets for a moment.

KRISTOPHER
That's the thing. Rules are easy when you can afford equipment.

Moses looks at the single frying pan.

KRISTOPHER
Separate dishes. Separate cookware. Special ingredients. Great.

Kristopher gestures toward the groceries.

KRISTOPHER
But we have twenty-three dollars.

Beat.

MOSES
Twenty-seven forty-three.

KRISTOPHER
Don't start.

Moses considers.

MOSES
Then we make something we can both eat.

Kristopher looks at him.

MOSES
Not because your restrictions don't matter.

Beat.

MOSES
Because mine do too.

Kristopher nods.

That's the first genuine moment between them.

KRISTOPHER
Vegetarian chow mein.

MOSES
With fettuccine.

KRISTOPHER
Don't tell Italy.

COOKING MONTAGE

Fettuccine goes into boiling water.

Kristopher chops cabbage.

Moses attempts to chop bok choy with absurd precision.

KRISTOPHER
It's dinner, not circumcision. Just cut the fucking vegetable.

Moses glares.

Kristopher freezes.

KRISTOPHER
That one's on me.

Moses continues chopping.

A moment later—

MOSES
Too much garlic.

KRISTOPHER
There's no such measurement.

Ginger hits hot oil.

KRISTOPHER
Oh.

MOSES
What?

KRISTOPHER
She was right.

Moses' expression darkens.

KRISTOPHER
About the ginger.

MOSES
Of course.

KRISTOPHER
You really are jealous.

MOSES
Episodic regret number two.

INT. KITCHEN — EVENING

The chow mein is finished.

It actually looks excellent.

Kristopher plates it.

Moses looks impressed despite himself.

KRISTOPHER
Twenty-seven dollars.

MOSES
Twenty-seven forty-three.

KRISTOPHER
And there's enough for tomorrow.

MOSES
Perhaps the day after.

KRISTOPHER
Look at us.

They sit.

Moses studies the plate.

Kristopher watches expectantly.

Moses takes a bite.

Chews.

Long silence.

Kristopher waits.

KRISTOPHER
Well?

Moses takes another bite.

KRISTOPHER
Good?

Moses considers carefully.

MOSES
Needs salt.

Kristopher stares at him.

Then directly into camera.

KRISTOPHER
You wandered forty years through a desert for seasoning and this is where you fucking mention it?

CUT TO BLACK.

TAG

INT. KITCHEN — LATER THAT NIGHT

The kitchen is clean.

Moses opens the refrigerator.

Inside sits a small takeout box.

He removes it.

Opens it.

Frutti di mare.

Moses stares.

Kristopher enters behind him.

Freezes.

Moses slowly turns.

MOSES
What is this?

KRISTOPHER
Evidence.

MOSES
Of what?

KRISTOPHER
That I respect your dietary requirements.

Moses looks down at the shellfish.

Then back at Kristopher.

MOSES
How?

KRISTOPHER
I waited until you went to bed.

Moses shuts the container.

MOSES
You are impossible.

KRISTOPHER
And yet you had seconds.

Moses starts walking away.

KRISTOPHER
Hey, Moses?

Moses stops.

KRISTOPHER
Pizza tomorrow?

Long pause.

MOSES
Cheese?

Kristopher grins.

KRISTOPHER
Obviously.

MOSES
No meat?

KRISTOPHER
Obviously.

Moses thinks.

MOSES
Is it on sale?

Kristopher beams.

KRISTOPHER
Now you're learning.

END.